March 9, 2013 10DPIUI

I was going to blog yesterday because I had finally lost all hope after all this time. Through almost 3 years of trying I had never lost hope and yesterday it finally happened. I could no longer even picture myself ever being pregnant.

I witness the most beautiful moment at work yesterday. I was sent to maternity to take an instrument count X-ray. This happens if they have to open a sterile tray urgently and not have time to count the instruments before a procedure so they can verify that nothing is left in the patient. We are so busy that I am sent by myself up there. When I get to the room there is beautiful gospel music playing and a gorgeous black woman in the bed while a nurse is washing her precious baby. Her husband just happened to be a doctor so he recognizes me and we exchange greetings and I congratulate them. It was beautiful and surreal and when I left the room I realized that I couldn't envision myself ever in her shoes. This was so sad to me because I had stayed strong through all of this, but finally I had given up.

I never in my wildest dreams thought we would go through what we've gone through. I never thought I would have to pay a doctor to help me get pregnant. I never imagined how expensive it would all be and how emotionally draining it would be. If this cycle failed, which I was pretty sure it would since we only had a motile count of 500,000, we would be moving on to IUI number 3. Possibly our last IUI before IVF. I never thought it would go this far. I never thought I would have to console Trace because he didn't feel he was holding up his end in this process and be the strong one, and then cry when he went to sleep. When I had my early loss is July it was devastating, but it also gave me hope because now I knew I could at least get pregnant. I thought I would instantly get pregnant. Next week is my due date, here we are almost 9 months later and I still was not pregnant.

This morning I woke up at 10 DPIUI and because I'm a glutton for punishment I took a FRER. What the hell.... There is a second line. I text a picture to Trace because he knew I was testing this morning and said "Do you see a second line? Mother fucker I threw away my pee so I can't take another!" He responds "Faint" a few minutes later its definitely a positive test. Then I start wondering if it is my trigger because I didn't test it out. Or an evap line or something. This has got to be a joke right? So I went about my day and did all the thing I had planned.

As I was leaving the vet there sits a hawk on the power line across the street. When I pass my grandmothers house another is sitting on her line. I went to our land and a hawk soars over me the whole time. I feel insane, but I promise you they are surrounding me and I hope it is a good sign. When I got back home I decided I had held my pee long enough, and even though I know the chances of turning a digital positive this early are low I took one of those. To my utter surprise it said "Pregnant"!!!!!

I'm ecstatic but skeptical. I charted this cycle and it isn't showing anything amazing on my chart. I will test again tomorrow and Monday and if it is still positive Monday I will head for my beta. I really really hope this is real.