SA

Getting my husband to do a semen analysis was like convincing him to sell a gun. Straight up impossible. My OB requested the analysis kind of early in our TTC journey due to some concerns from a surgery Trace had when he was younger. In my mind the SA was no big deal. He had an excuse to jack off! He did not see it that way. I had his order for 3 months before he actually did it. The only reason he finally did it was because I had an utter melt down. I'm talking crying, kicking, screaming melt down.

Well we live out in the sticks and it is over 30 minutes to the hospital I work at, Trace just happened to be doing plumbing at my hospital too. This means that we had to get his sample while we were at work. Who would have known such a simple test could be so damn complicated. Trace's ideas on how to obtain sample:

T: I know! Lets have sex and i'll pull out and put it in the cup!
Me: No
T: How bout we have sex and I'll wear a condom and then I'll just put the condom in the cup!
Me: No
T: Uhmn.... What if you gave me a blow
Me: NO!!!!!

The day finally arrives and it's time o get his sample and I asked him where he was going to do it, and his reply was in the car in the parking deck. I'm like omg No! All I could see was him getting arrested and being labeled a sex offender for life. He tells me a story about his boss doing it in a Steak and Shake bathroom. Ewww. So I cleared out our locker area at work and sent him in. My two co workers that know all about it and I just sit there and stare at the locker room door. Talk about no pressure. Then I start feeling bad because I'm sure it can't be easy and I've hounded the hell out of him so I decide I'm going to go help. I walk in the locker room and he's like here and hands me the sample.

I walk his sample over to the lab and all they see is a girl with scrubs on so they keep pointing me to the back. I finally get to the right lady and she asks if I have the stool sample. Uhmn no.....my husbands semen. She laughs takes it from me and I'm on my way.

A few hours later I get a phone call saying the results are "within normal limits" what a relief! Before I get off the phone Trace has shot a text off to both his parents "Guess what? I'm not shooting blanks!" When I found out what he text I freaked and said they're going to think I'm pregnant!!! The words were barely out of my mouth and the phone was ringing. So after lots of explaining we found out that they had been worried about Trace's condition too and were relieved to know everything was all right.